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Well it turns out I got into econ. This brief spell of happiness quickly faded though, since there was no one to celebrate with me, and I also felt it wasn't proper time to be happy yet. I do think that A is watching over me in heaven, and I have decided to live my life fully, for her.

I don't know how I should feel at this point

I feel like I've cried all the tears I can cry. I don't know how I should feel right now. So many people have left me lately. I don't know how to take all this in. First my grandma passes away, then A dies. There I said it, A is dead. I finally accepted she was gone after I cried my eyes out. But every time I'm reminded she is gone, I'm in disbelief again. I can't cry anymore, I can only wonder why this happened. I feel so void of "feelings". Sure I can still laugh and joke around and be happy about some things, but I don't think I can really "feel" things anymore. Or more like I don't want to feel things anymore. Time stood still when I found out A was gone, and it's been the longest few days ever. But time is starting to move again, and everything else that was going on in my life is starting to catch up with me. I'm very worried about my major right now, one of my friends already got accepted into the major that I wanted, and I've been checking my email every hour to see if I got in or not. I don't want to think anymore. Whenever I think, I am reminded of A, or my major, and I just feel so hopeless. Sometimes I think life is so painful I don't want to live anymore. If I had a choice, I would wish that I had never been born. But now that I'm here, and have made connections with other people, I could never take my own life, because of the pain I would bring to my loved ones. Sometimes I wish that God would just take me away, but I feel so irresponsible for leaving everyone behind. I'm so confused right now.

I can't believe what has happened, I'm in denial right now

I can't believe A died in a car crash yesterday. I just can't believe it. I keep thinking I'll go back to school in September and see her again. Maybe we could go to Costco together. Party together. Go clubbing together. Have dinner parties at each others places. Play hearts again at another rowdy party where we don't care much about hooking up with random guys. I can't believe it. It seems like it was a few days ago when we talked on facebook chat. When she said she had to go so she'll ttyl. Little did I know that would never happen. I still think that she'll come online one day. And we'll pick up the conversation where we left off. That I thought she was super photogenic and that she should take more pictures of herself. She was such a nice girl, like seriously really nice and gentle. I still remember the last time I saw her in person. She had dropped me off at the airport. She hugged me goodbye and said she'll see me in September. I can't believe shes gone, I can't believe I won't see her in September. I can't believe I won't see her on campus, that I won't be able to yell her name loudly and wave frantically at her until she notices. I can't believe I won't see her smile again when she sees me waving frantically at her. I can't believe she left us at such a young age. I just can't believe this.