Humility Humility Humility

Humility makes you a better person. It also makes life much easier.

What I'm thankful for

Last night at fellowship I was asked this question for small group girls talk. And this is my answer. ( I only shared the skeleton of this post though, no views on my life was disclosed.)

I’m very thankful for the loving family I have. I’ve always known I was very blessed in this aspect of my life. I’m the only child, the jewel of my family, and all the attention was always on me. Everyone always loved me the most, because I was the only one.

That’s why I try to live my life perfectly so they can be proud of me and not have to worry about me. But I feel that when my grandparents and mom die, I’ll have nothing to live for anymore. And I’ll just be waiting to die after that happens.

Yes, thats my view on my life.

I don’t wanna have kids either because I don’t want to bring another child into this terrible world. Because if I had a choice I would have never chosen to be born. I feel like pain I’ve experienced outweighs the happiness I’ve experienced.

The only wish I have is for my family to be happy.

But I’m also very thankful for the church families I’ve been a part of for the past few years of my life. The people at E and C Church have been very welcoming and caring, and my spirits always feel lifted after I see them.

My worse nightmare

I had the most terrible dream last night. The scary thing was that it felt so real, and that it could definitely happen very soon. In the dream, I got a call from my mom telling me that my grandpa and grandma had died. I remember the feeling of hopelessness I felt at that moment, and how it felt like my heart had been ripped into pieces. Then my mom told me that my grandma wasn't officially "dead", but she was brain dead and in a coma. At that moment I remember feeling a tiny bit of hope again, but then a feeling of dread followed. It was the worse feeling in the world. I don't know what would happen to me when my grandparents really do die. I feel like I would cry forever and I would never be happy again.

Homesickness

I'm homesick, but Calgary is not the place I'm missing. The homesickness I'm experiencing is the yearning I have to be with my family. But my family is scattered everywhere, my mom's in Calgary, and my grandparents are in Hong Kong. The place I feel most like home is in neither of these places, I don't feel like I've had a proper home in years. When I'm in Calgary with my mom, I have all my things with me, like clothes, belongings, etc, but I don't feel like my whole family's with me. I miss my grandparents. When I'm in Hong Kong with my grandparents and my mom, I'm really happy, but at the same time, I don't feel like I fit in in Hong Kong, because the culture is so different there. I really don't know where I fit in, and when I'm homesick, it feels even worse, because I know there's no place in this world I can feel at home. I'm really scared that when my grandparents and my mom leave me I'll be all alone in this world. I don't really ever see myself finding my significant other because I can't trust people. And although I'm a Christian and I should feel God with me all the time, I still need human companionship, but to a certain extent. I'm an introvert for sure, being with people too much tires me out so much. I wish I could find someone really similar to me, introvert, but seeks human companionship "sometimes", with the same values as I have. Is that too much to ask for?

=)

I like my balanced life right now, school, church and play. I'm glad my priorities are being set straight, and I gotta make sure I stick to my values.

Trust

I've always had an issue with trust. I like to do everything by myself, keep everything important to myself. Thats why I'm always so stressed, because I have no one to share my burdens with. But I would rather live that way, because time and time again, people have proved me right, they can't be trusted.

Ok, Lesson Learnt

Never fall for anyone, it will only make you weak. Lesson learnt, I will not be making that mistake again. My goals in life are much more important then romance.

Stupidity is my middle name.

What was I thinking. Actually I knew what I was thinking, I was thinking crazy. Everyone was advising me against it. I'll listen to them now. Thank goodness I didn't let it get out of hand.
Argh, I feel stupid.

...

Well it turns out I got into econ. This brief spell of happiness quickly faded though, since there was no one to celebrate with me, and I also felt it wasn't proper time to be happy yet. I do think that A is watching over me in heaven, and I have decided to live my life fully, for her.

I don't know how I should feel at this point

I feel like I've cried all the tears I can cry. I don't know how I should feel right now. So many people have left me lately. I don't know how to take all this in. First my grandma passes away, then A dies. There I said it, A is dead. I finally accepted she was gone after I cried my eyes out. But every time I'm reminded she is gone, I'm in disbelief again. I can't cry anymore, I can only wonder why this happened. I feel so void of "feelings". Sure I can still laugh and joke around and be happy about some things, but I don't think I can really "feel" things anymore. Or more like I don't want to feel things anymore. Time stood still when I found out A was gone, and it's been the longest few days ever. But time is starting to move again, and everything else that was going on in my life is starting to catch up with me. I'm very worried about my major right now, one of my friends already got accepted into the major that I wanted, and I've been checking my email every hour to see if I got in or not. I don't want to think anymore. Whenever I think, I am reminded of A, or my major, and I just feel so hopeless. Sometimes I think life is so painful I don't want to live anymore. If I had a choice, I would wish that I had never been born. But now that I'm here, and have made connections with other people, I could never take my own life, because of the pain I would bring to my loved ones. Sometimes I wish that God would just take me away, but I feel so irresponsible for leaving everyone behind. I'm so confused right now.

I can't believe what has happened, I'm in denial right now

I can't believe A died in a car crash yesterday. I just can't believe it. I keep thinking I'll go back to school in September and see her again. Maybe we could go to Costco together. Party together. Go clubbing together. Have dinner parties at each others places. Play hearts again at another rowdy party where we don't care much about hooking up with random guys. I can't believe it. It seems like it was a few days ago when we talked on facebook chat. When she said she had to go so she'll ttyl. Little did I know that would never happen. I still think that she'll come online one day. And we'll pick up the conversation where we left off. That I thought she was super photogenic and that she should take more pictures of herself. She was such a nice girl, like seriously really nice and gentle. I still remember the last time I saw her in person. She had dropped me off at the airport. She hugged me goodbye and said she'll see me in September. I can't believe shes gone, I can't believe I won't see her in September. I can't believe I won't see her on campus, that I won't be able to yell her name loudly and wave frantically at her until she notices. I can't believe I won't see her smile again when she sees me waving frantically at her. I can't believe she left us at such a young age. I just can't believe this.

Want to cut myself

Like seriously, I'm so stressed right now I feel like inflicting pain on myself to make it better. 2 finals tomorrow, and 1 at 8:30 the next morning. I just want to get this over with. But I want to do well so badly. I feel like I've put in so much hard work and I would seriously cry if I don't do well on these exams. Whyyy. Why did the final exam schedule have to be so crappy. I don't want all my hard work throughout the semester going to waste.
Please help me God. I've been so stressed that I've been dreaming every night of different ways of failing my exams. One dream was that I forgot to memorize my last minute cheat sheet so I went into the exam not knowing the formulas. Another one was I slept past my exam and didn't wake up until it had ended. I'm so scared. I can't imagine the consequences of me doing bad on these exams.

Sleeping ALOT

Maybe it was PMSing( that means I was PMSing for a longg time), maybe it was not. Maybe it was the sermon this Sunday about forgiveness that made me feel better. Either way, I feel a lot better now, mood wise. Health wise, I am not well at all. I find myself sleepy all the time,it may be because I've cut myself off of caffeine so that it'll actually work when I need it. But I find myself napping ALOT these days. Its like going back to how I was in high school, taking 4 hour naps after I get home and waking up at 8 to start doing homework. Don't get me wrong, I loved that lifestyle, thinking back high school was so chill. But now I can't afford these naps, I don't have the time to waste on sleeping! I don't know what to do about this situation. I can't study because I'm so tired, but I can't sleep because I have so much to study! Its a bad cycle. Oh well.
I've been praying to God more, its made me feel a bit better. But I still don't want to trust anyone. I can get along with them, but trusting is too risky. Human relationships are too risky, I like keeping a distance. Things are easier that way.

Homesick

I'm incredibly homesick. I miss my house, I miss my bed, and of course I miss my mom. I would even go as far to say I miss Calgary, being the boring city that it is. I'm just so sick of school, I hate coming home from classes and having to study or do assignments. I wanna just leave school work behind when I'm done school, and just be able to relax and do the things that I wanna do. I miss having the comforts of home, of having a pantry full of food I can chose from to eat. I'm so unhappy right now. I just want to get out of this lifestyle. =(

Boredom

Wow, like seriously, what is wrong with me. When I have a four day long weekend, I get bored and depressed... until I decide to do homework. When I start doing my homework, I feel happier, challenged, and... entertained. But when I have to do homework on normal school nights, I don't want to do it, and I end up procrastinating. I don't know why I do this. I'm so close to finals, but I lose motivation to study on school days. Can I only function on weekends? Or is it the crappy weather that's been making me feel down lately. I don't know. There's so much on my mind right now. I don't know what to do with my life, where I want to live when I graduate, where I want to work, so on... I'm just so lost. I've never been like this before, I had my whole life planned out in high school. I would go to university, get my undergraduate, then get a masters in a university in the UK, and either come back and live in Vancouver, or live in Hong Kong for a while until my grandparents get old and you know, leave. After that, I would live in Vancouver for the rest of my life. But now, I don't know what I want anymore. I've worked so hard this year, and I get so exhausted, and on some days I just want God to take me away, so I don't have to suffer anymore. But then I think about my mom and my grandparents, and how I have to take care of them when I graduate, because they put their life into raising me, and I want them to live happily and worry free in their old days. I feel there's so much on my shoulders, and that I'm letting them down whenever I don't do my best. I feel like I have to be perfect, because I want them to be proud of me. But in reality, I just want to be mediocre, I don't want to excel, I don't want to stand out, because once you are those things, you have to work very very hard to maintain them.

On a happier note, talking to my mom today lifted my spirits. It's been a while since I've had a proper conversation with her. I'm always busy doing homework, or I'm so exhausted from school that I don't want to talk. I'm really looking forward to going home for the summer. I really want a break. I really need a break.

Distant

Yes, I am distant with people to keep prevent myself from getting hurt. This is how I think, I would rather be alone all the time, than to get my hopes up that someone will be there for me. Expect the worse, so that when the worse does happen, it won't hurt, but when something good happens, it'll be a bonus. That's why I would rather live alone, there's no dreading someone leaving you when there's no one to leave you right?

Alone

I seriously don't believe in people anymore. I guess I sorta realized this a long time ago. All humans are selfish(I know, I'm selfish too), but I had always hoped that someone would prove me wrong. No one is ever there for me when I need them, but it always seems like I'm there for other people when they need me, when they need someone to talk to, I even stay up late to talk to them, but no ones ever there for me when I need them. I'm sick of this. So I've accepted this fact and decided to be strong and alone. Because whenever I get my hopes up I get hurt even more. Sorry if I seem like a bitch sometimes. I would rather be a bitch than to get hurt again.

Or, I would like to think that God is there for me even if there's no one there for me. But I just don't want to ever get my hopes up for any human being anymore.

Yes, I am moody these days.

Mood Swings

I seriously have mood swings. And when I get them, I am so unpleasant to be with. I feel sorry for people that I have to live with. That's why I've decided I would be better off alone.

Human Relationships

Human relationships are too fragile. That's why its so hard for me to trust.

Nostalgia

Today I went back to Vanier to get some food from the Vanier caf. I walked the same path I used to walk in first year to get back "home". That's when nostalgia hit me. Memories of first year flooded back to me, and the beautiful scenery around Vanier made me miss first year in Vanier even more. Now that I live in Gage, I've finally realized how beautiful Vanier was, with its cherry blossoms and flowers and fields. Whereas Gage is all gray and drab. I sort of wish I had stayed in Vanier for my second year. I was so close to it. Before all the confusion over who got housing and who didn't happened, I had planned to stay in Vanier with V, M, and A. But things happened(I don't even remember what), but M decided that she didn't want to live in Vanier anymore. Then K's housing appeal got through, and she asked me if I wanted to be roommates with her. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really wonder if I made the right choice. I know that I've missed the only chance to live in Vanier again, since third year is probably too old, unless I'm an RA or something, but yea, its too late now. I really wonder how my second year would have been if I lived in Vanier. I guess this is just another one of those big WHAT IFS in life...

Reminder to myself

Once in a while, I am reminded by God not to be too cocky, and not to rely on myself too much. And it is at these times, that I realize that the little things in life make me happy, and that my achievements in this world are only temporary.

I've been so immersed in studying lately I've forgotten about everything else in my life. I liked the feeling of being busy though. It kind of felt like an escape from everything. And when I got my midterm results back, I was very happy that I had gotten such good marks. It was the first time I was satisfied with my marks since I entered university, and I was very proud of myself for being able to achieve what I wanted. But that happiness faded really fast, and I found that I was very moody and bored now that the crazy midterms were over. I know it sounds crazy, but I missed studying so hard. But it was at this time when God sent me a reminder, that marks weren't the most important thing in my life, and that I was letting my academics define who I was, and not God.

The reason why I work so hard is for security. My mom is not the kind of asian parent that freaked out about what marks I got. She could care less as long as I didn't fail out of school. She even tells to sleep and not study so much, because she thinks my health is more important. But I have set very high standards for myself ever since high school. I liked the security of having good enough marks to guarantee me the things I wanted, like which university I wanted to go to. But university has changed the way I perceived myself. In first year, I lost the motivation to work hard, since I had already accomplished my goal of getting into the university that I wanted to go to, so my marks were not so good. I mean, they were not bad marks for a university student, but they were bad marks for me. My marks were not high enough to guarantee me into the program I wanted to go into, which was a mistake that I really regret now. I regret not realizing that my first year marks really did matter, and now to make up for my low marks from first year, I have to work so much harder this year to pull up my marks. And I felt stupid for letting myself make such huge mistakes, and I also felt ashamed of myself, because I had always been known for being smart, and now that my grades were not that high anymore, what defined me?

But at moments like this, when I think about the mistakes I've made and how much I regret them, I feel that God reminds me he is there for me and that he has given me just enough to do what he wants me to do in this world, and that I shouldn't wish for more because that's just being greedy. And throughout this midterm season I've been very thankful to God for giving me the energy and health to get through all those back to back midterms and assignments, it is seriously a miracle that I didn't get sick, or fall asleep during an exam.

I need to learn to have more faith in God, and maybe then I can relax and be a less uptight and serious person.
(on a side note though, I think I'm such a serious person because that's just my personality, and I like my seriousness =P)

Do I?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what it means to like someone. Like how do you know when you like someone? In the past, when I decided to like someone, it was a conscious decision, like I would decide if they had the traits that I liked, and the chances of them liking me back, and I would base my decision on whether to like this person or not on those things. Last summer, I asked my cousin when do you know you like someone, and he told me that you can't stop thinking about them and you just know they're the one, like there's a feeling. I'm really unsure as to what this feeling could be, and if I've experienced it already or not. Also, I don't know if there's someone I'm always thinking of or not, because I think about a lot of people in a day. I do get warm feelings when I think of a "certain someone", but I actually don't think of him all the time. So this makes me wonder, do I like him? Is he the one? Because for me, I can only imagine myself marrying my first boyfriend, so I want to choose carefully, and make sure the person I like is a person I'm sure I will like for a long long time, as in the rest of my life, since liking someone means you want to be in a relationship with them right?