Humility Humility Humility

Humility makes you a better person. It also makes life much easier.

What I'm thankful for

Last night at fellowship I was asked this question for small group girls talk. And this is my answer. ( I only shared the skeleton of this post though, no views on my life was disclosed.)

I’m very thankful for the loving family I have. I’ve always known I was very blessed in this aspect of my life. I’m the only child, the jewel of my family, and all the attention was always on me. Everyone always loved me the most, because I was the only one.

That’s why I try to live my life perfectly so they can be proud of me and not have to worry about me. But I feel that when my grandparents and mom die, I’ll have nothing to live for anymore. And I’ll just be waiting to die after that happens.

Yes, thats my view on my life.

I don’t wanna have kids either because I don’t want to bring another child into this terrible world. Because if I had a choice I would have never chosen to be born. I feel like pain I’ve experienced outweighs the happiness I’ve experienced.

The only wish I have is for my family to be happy.

But I’m also very thankful for the church families I’ve been a part of for the past few years of my life. The people at E and C Church have been very welcoming and caring, and my spirits always feel lifted after I see them.

My worse nightmare

I had the most terrible dream last night. The scary thing was that it felt so real, and that it could definitely happen very soon. In the dream, I got a call from my mom telling me that my grandpa and grandma had died. I remember the feeling of hopelessness I felt at that moment, and how it felt like my heart had been ripped into pieces. Then my mom told me that my grandma wasn't officially "dead", but she was brain dead and in a coma. At that moment I remember feeling a tiny bit of hope again, but then a feeling of dread followed. It was the worse feeling in the world. I don't know what would happen to me when my grandparents really do die. I feel like I would cry forever and I would never be happy again.

Homesickness

I'm homesick, but Calgary is not the place I'm missing. The homesickness I'm experiencing is the yearning I have to be with my family. But my family is scattered everywhere, my mom's in Calgary, and my grandparents are in Hong Kong. The place I feel most like home is in neither of these places, I don't feel like I've had a proper home in years. When I'm in Calgary with my mom, I have all my things with me, like clothes, belongings, etc, but I don't feel like my whole family's with me. I miss my grandparents. When I'm in Hong Kong with my grandparents and my mom, I'm really happy, but at the same time, I don't feel like I fit in in Hong Kong, because the culture is so different there. I really don't know where I fit in, and when I'm homesick, it feels even worse, because I know there's no place in this world I can feel at home. I'm really scared that when my grandparents and my mom leave me I'll be all alone in this world. I don't really ever see myself finding my significant other because I can't trust people. And although I'm a Christian and I should feel God with me all the time, I still need human companionship, but to a certain extent. I'm an introvert for sure, being with people too much tires me out so much. I wish I could find someone really similar to me, introvert, but seeks human companionship "sometimes", with the same values as I have. Is that too much to ask for?

=)

I like my balanced life right now, school, church and play. I'm glad my priorities are being set straight, and I gotta make sure I stick to my values.

Trust

I've always had an issue with trust. I like to do everything by myself, keep everything important to myself. Thats why I'm always so stressed, because I have no one to share my burdens with. But I would rather live that way, because time and time again, people have proved me right, they can't be trusted.

Ok, Lesson Learnt

Never fall for anyone, it will only make you weak. Lesson learnt, I will not be making that mistake again. My goals in life are much more important then romance.