Want to cut myself

Like seriously, I'm so stressed right now I feel like inflicting pain on myself to make it better. 2 finals tomorrow, and 1 at 8:30 the next morning. I just want to get this over with. But I want to do well so badly. I feel like I've put in so much hard work and I would seriously cry if I don't do well on these exams. Whyyy. Why did the final exam schedule have to be so crappy. I don't want all my hard work throughout the semester going to waste.
Please help me God. I've been so stressed that I've been dreaming every night of different ways of failing my exams. One dream was that I forgot to memorize my last minute cheat sheet so I went into the exam not knowing the formulas. Another one was I slept past my exam and didn't wake up until it had ended. I'm so scared. I can't imagine the consequences of me doing bad on these exams.

Sleeping ALOT

Maybe it was PMSing( that means I was PMSing for a longg time), maybe it was not. Maybe it was the sermon this Sunday about forgiveness that made me feel better. Either way, I feel a lot better now, mood wise. Health wise, I am not well at all. I find myself sleepy all the time,it may be because I've cut myself off of caffeine so that it'll actually work when I need it. But I find myself napping ALOT these days. Its like going back to how I was in high school, taking 4 hour naps after I get home and waking up at 8 to start doing homework. Don't get me wrong, I loved that lifestyle, thinking back high school was so chill. But now I can't afford these naps, I don't have the time to waste on sleeping! I don't know what to do about this situation. I can't study because I'm so tired, but I can't sleep because I have so much to study! Its a bad cycle. Oh well.
I've been praying to God more, its made me feel a bit better. But I still don't want to trust anyone. I can get along with them, but trusting is too risky. Human relationships are too risky, I like keeping a distance. Things are easier that way.

Homesick

I'm incredibly homesick. I miss my house, I miss my bed, and of course I miss my mom. I would even go as far to say I miss Calgary, being the boring city that it is. I'm just so sick of school, I hate coming home from classes and having to study or do assignments. I wanna just leave school work behind when I'm done school, and just be able to relax and do the things that I wanna do. I miss having the comforts of home, of having a pantry full of food I can chose from to eat. I'm so unhappy right now. I just want to get out of this lifestyle. =(

Boredom

Wow, like seriously, what is wrong with me. When I have a four day long weekend, I get bored and depressed... until I decide to do homework. When I start doing my homework, I feel happier, challenged, and... entertained. But when I have to do homework on normal school nights, I don't want to do it, and I end up procrastinating. I don't know why I do this. I'm so close to finals, but I lose motivation to study on school days. Can I only function on weekends? Or is it the crappy weather that's been making me feel down lately. I don't know. There's so much on my mind right now. I don't know what to do with my life, where I want to live when I graduate, where I want to work, so on... I'm just so lost. I've never been like this before, I had my whole life planned out in high school. I would go to university, get my undergraduate, then get a masters in a university in the UK, and either come back and live in Vancouver, or live in Hong Kong for a while until my grandparents get old and you know, leave. After that, I would live in Vancouver for the rest of my life. But now, I don't know what I want anymore. I've worked so hard this year, and I get so exhausted, and on some days I just want God to take me away, so I don't have to suffer anymore. But then I think about my mom and my grandparents, and how I have to take care of them when I graduate, because they put their life into raising me, and I want them to live happily and worry free in their old days. I feel there's so much on my shoulders, and that I'm letting them down whenever I don't do my best. I feel like I have to be perfect, because I want them to be proud of me. But in reality, I just want to be mediocre, I don't want to excel, I don't want to stand out, because once you are those things, you have to work very very hard to maintain them.

On a happier note, talking to my mom today lifted my spirits. It's been a while since I've had a proper conversation with her. I'm always busy doing homework, or I'm so exhausted from school that I don't want to talk. I'm really looking forward to going home for the summer. I really want a break. I really need a break.

Distant

Yes, I am distant with people to keep prevent myself from getting hurt. This is how I think, I would rather be alone all the time, than to get my hopes up that someone will be there for me. Expect the worse, so that when the worse does happen, it won't hurt, but when something good happens, it'll be a bonus. That's why I would rather live alone, there's no dreading someone leaving you when there's no one to leave you right?

Alone

I seriously don't believe in people anymore. I guess I sorta realized this a long time ago. All humans are selfish(I know, I'm selfish too), but I had always hoped that someone would prove me wrong. No one is ever there for me when I need them, but it always seems like I'm there for other people when they need me, when they need someone to talk to, I even stay up late to talk to them, but no ones ever there for me when I need them. I'm sick of this. So I've accepted this fact and decided to be strong and alone. Because whenever I get my hopes up I get hurt even more. Sorry if I seem like a bitch sometimes. I would rather be a bitch than to get hurt again.

Or, I would like to think that God is there for me even if there's no one there for me. But I just don't want to ever get my hopes up for any human being anymore.

Yes, I am moody these days.

Mood Swings

I seriously have mood swings. And when I get them, I am so unpleasant to be with. I feel sorry for people that I have to live with. That's why I've decided I would be better off alone.