Boredom

Wow, like seriously, what is wrong with me. When I have a four day long weekend, I get bored and depressed... until I decide to do homework. When I start doing my homework, I feel happier, challenged, and... entertained. But when I have to do homework on normal school nights, I don't want to do it, and I end up procrastinating. I don't know why I do this. I'm so close to finals, but I lose motivation to study on school days. Can I only function on weekends? Or is it the crappy weather that's been making me feel down lately. I don't know. There's so much on my mind right now. I don't know what to do with my life, where I want to live when I graduate, where I want to work, so on... I'm just so lost. I've never been like this before, I had my whole life planned out in high school. I would go to university, get my undergraduate, then get a masters in a university in the UK, and either come back and live in Vancouver, or live in Hong Kong for a while until my grandparents get old and you know, leave. After that, I would live in Vancouver for the rest of my life. But now, I don't know what I want anymore. I've worked so hard this year, and I get so exhausted, and on some days I just want God to take me away, so I don't have to suffer anymore. But then I think about my mom and my grandparents, and how I have to take care of them when I graduate, because they put their life into raising me, and I want them to live happily and worry free in their old days. I feel there's so much on my shoulders, and that I'm letting them down whenever I don't do my best. I feel like I have to be perfect, because I want them to be proud of me. But in reality, I just want to be mediocre, I don't want to excel, I don't want to stand out, because once you are those things, you have to work very very hard to maintain them.

On a happier note, talking to my mom today lifted my spirits. It's been a while since I've had a proper conversation with her. I'm always busy doing homework, or I'm so exhausted from school that I don't want to talk. I'm really looking forward to going home for the summer. I really want a break. I really need a break.

Distant

Yes, I am distant with people to keep prevent myself from getting hurt. This is how I think, I would rather be alone all the time, than to get my hopes up that someone will be there for me. Expect the worse, so that when the worse does happen, it won't hurt, but when something good happens, it'll be a bonus. That's why I would rather live alone, there's no dreading someone leaving you when there's no one to leave you right?

Alone

I seriously don't believe in people anymore. I guess I sorta realized this a long time ago. All humans are selfish(I know, I'm selfish too), but I had always hoped that someone would prove me wrong. No one is ever there for me when I need them, but it always seems like I'm there for other people when they need me, when they need someone to talk to, I even stay up late to talk to them, but no ones ever there for me when I need them. I'm sick of this. So I've accepted this fact and decided to be strong and alone. Because whenever I get my hopes up I get hurt even more. Sorry if I seem like a bitch sometimes. I would rather be a bitch than to get hurt again.

Or, I would like to think that God is there for me even if there's no one there for me. But I just don't want to ever get my hopes up for any human being anymore.

Yes, I am moody these days.

Mood Swings

I seriously have mood swings. And when I get them, I am so unpleasant to be with. I feel sorry for people that I have to live with. That's why I've decided I would be better off alone.

Human Relationships

Human relationships are too fragile. That's why its so hard for me to trust.

Nostalgia

Today I went back to Vanier to get some food from the Vanier caf. I walked the same path I used to walk in first year to get back "home". That's when nostalgia hit me. Memories of first year flooded back to me, and the beautiful scenery around Vanier made me miss first year in Vanier even more. Now that I live in Gage, I've finally realized how beautiful Vanier was, with its cherry blossoms and flowers and fields. Whereas Gage is all gray and drab. I sort of wish I had stayed in Vanier for my second year. I was so close to it. Before all the confusion over who got housing and who didn't happened, I had planned to stay in Vanier with V, M, and A. But things happened(I don't even remember what), but M decided that she didn't want to live in Vanier anymore. Then K's housing appeal got through, and she asked me if I wanted to be roommates with her. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really wonder if I made the right choice. I know that I've missed the only chance to live in Vanier again, since third year is probably too old, unless I'm an RA or something, but yea, its too late now. I really wonder how my second year would have been if I lived in Vanier. I guess this is just another one of those big WHAT IFS in life...

Reminder to myself

Once in a while, I am reminded by God not to be too cocky, and not to rely on myself too much. And it is at these times, that I realize that the little things in life make me happy, and that my achievements in this world are only temporary.

I've been so immersed in studying lately I've forgotten about everything else in my life. I liked the feeling of being busy though. It kind of felt like an escape from everything. And when I got my midterm results back, I was very happy that I had gotten such good marks. It was the first time I was satisfied with my marks since I entered university, and I was very proud of myself for being able to achieve what I wanted. But that happiness faded really fast, and I found that I was very moody and bored now that the crazy midterms were over. I know it sounds crazy, but I missed studying so hard. But it was at this time when God sent me a reminder, that marks weren't the most important thing in my life, and that I was letting my academics define who I was, and not God.

The reason why I work so hard is for security. My mom is not the kind of asian parent that freaked out about what marks I got. She could care less as long as I didn't fail out of school. She even tells to sleep and not study so much, because she thinks my health is more important. But I have set very high standards for myself ever since high school. I liked the security of having good enough marks to guarantee me the things I wanted, like which university I wanted to go to. But university has changed the way I perceived myself. In first year, I lost the motivation to work hard, since I had already accomplished my goal of getting into the university that I wanted to go to, so my marks were not so good. I mean, they were not bad marks for a university student, but they were bad marks for me. My marks were not high enough to guarantee me into the program I wanted to go into, which was a mistake that I really regret now. I regret not realizing that my first year marks really did matter, and now to make up for my low marks from first year, I have to work so much harder this year to pull up my marks. And I felt stupid for letting myself make such huge mistakes, and I also felt ashamed of myself, because I had always been known for being smart, and now that my grades were not that high anymore, what defined me?

But at moments like this, when I think about the mistakes I've made and how much I regret them, I feel that God reminds me he is there for me and that he has given me just enough to do what he wants me to do in this world, and that I shouldn't wish for more because that's just being greedy. And throughout this midterm season I've been very thankful to God for giving me the energy and health to get through all those back to back midterms and assignments, it is seriously a miracle that I didn't get sick, or fall asleep during an exam.

I need to learn to have more faith in God, and maybe then I can relax and be a less uptight and serious person.
(on a side note though, I think I'm such a serious person because that's just my personality, and I like my seriousness =P)