Stupidity is my middle name.

What was I thinking. Actually I knew what I was thinking, I was thinking crazy. Everyone was advising me against it. I'll listen to them now. Thank goodness I didn't let it get out of hand.
Argh, I feel stupid.

...

Well it turns out I got into econ. This brief spell of happiness quickly faded though, since there was no one to celebrate with me, and I also felt it wasn't proper time to be happy yet. I do think that A is watching over me in heaven, and I have decided to live my life fully, for her.

I don't know how I should feel at this point

I feel like I've cried all the tears I can cry. I don't know how I should feel right now. So many people have left me lately. I don't know how to take all this in. First my grandma passes away, then A dies. There I said it, A is dead. I finally accepted she was gone after I cried my eyes out. But every time I'm reminded she is gone, I'm in disbelief again. I can't cry anymore, I can only wonder why this happened. I feel so void of "feelings". Sure I can still laugh and joke around and be happy about some things, but I don't think I can really "feel" things anymore. Or more like I don't want to feel things anymore. Time stood still when I found out A was gone, and it's been the longest few days ever. But time is starting to move again, and everything else that was going on in my life is starting to catch up with me. I'm very worried about my major right now, one of my friends already got accepted into the major that I wanted, and I've been checking my email every hour to see if I got in or not. I don't want to think anymore. Whenever I think, I am reminded of A, or my major, and I just feel so hopeless. Sometimes I think life is so painful I don't want to live anymore. If I had a choice, I would wish that I had never been born. But now that I'm here, and have made connections with other people, I could never take my own life, because of the pain I would bring to my loved ones. Sometimes I wish that God would just take me away, but I feel so irresponsible for leaving everyone behind. I'm so confused right now.

I can't believe what has happened, I'm in denial right now

I can't believe A died in a car crash yesterday. I just can't believe it. I keep thinking I'll go back to school in September and see her again. Maybe we could go to Costco together. Party together. Go clubbing together. Have dinner parties at each others places. Play hearts again at another rowdy party where we don't care much about hooking up with random guys. I can't believe it. It seems like it was a few days ago when we talked on facebook chat. When she said she had to go so she'll ttyl. Little did I know that would never happen. I still think that she'll come online one day. And we'll pick up the conversation where we left off. That I thought she was super photogenic and that she should take more pictures of herself. She was such a nice girl, like seriously really nice and gentle. I still remember the last time I saw her in person. She had dropped me off at the airport. She hugged me goodbye and said she'll see me in September. I can't believe shes gone, I can't believe I won't see her in September. I can't believe I won't see her on campus, that I won't be able to yell her name loudly and wave frantically at her until she notices. I can't believe I won't see her smile again when she sees me waving frantically at her. I can't believe she left us at such a young age. I just can't believe this.

Want to cut myself

Like seriously, I'm so stressed right now I feel like inflicting pain on myself to make it better. 2 finals tomorrow, and 1 at 8:30 the next morning. I just want to get this over with. But I want to do well so badly. I feel like I've put in so much hard work and I would seriously cry if I don't do well on these exams. Whyyy. Why did the final exam schedule have to be so crappy. I don't want all my hard work throughout the semester going to waste.
Please help me God. I've been so stressed that I've been dreaming every night of different ways of failing my exams. One dream was that I forgot to memorize my last minute cheat sheet so I went into the exam not knowing the formulas. Another one was I slept past my exam and didn't wake up until it had ended. I'm so scared. I can't imagine the consequences of me doing bad on these exams.

Sleeping ALOT

Maybe it was PMSing( that means I was PMSing for a longg time), maybe it was not. Maybe it was the sermon this Sunday about forgiveness that made me feel better. Either way, I feel a lot better now, mood wise. Health wise, I am not well at all. I find myself sleepy all the time,it may be because I've cut myself off of caffeine so that it'll actually work when I need it. But I find myself napping ALOT these days. Its like going back to how I was in high school, taking 4 hour naps after I get home and waking up at 8 to start doing homework. Don't get me wrong, I loved that lifestyle, thinking back high school was so chill. But now I can't afford these naps, I don't have the time to waste on sleeping! I don't know what to do about this situation. I can't study because I'm so tired, but I can't sleep because I have so much to study! Its a bad cycle. Oh well.
I've been praying to God more, its made me feel a bit better. But I still don't want to trust anyone. I can get along with them, but trusting is too risky. Human relationships are too risky, I like keeping a distance. Things are easier that way.

Homesick

I'm incredibly homesick. I miss my house, I miss my bed, and of course I miss my mom. I would even go as far to say I miss Calgary, being the boring city that it is. I'm just so sick of school, I hate coming home from classes and having to study or do assignments. I wanna just leave school work behind when I'm done school, and just be able to relax and do the things that I wanna do. I miss having the comforts of home, of having a pantry full of food I can chose from to eat. I'm so unhappy right now. I just want to get out of this lifestyle. =(